2018 and tonight he will carry programs broadcast is a book review by by a book by Chrissy Paz that many of you might know. Her first book titled a parallel process and this is her her follow-up book. The name of the book is abraded is called brave parenting- a Buddhist inspired guide to raising resilient children. So it really does combine two things that I personally love and him drawn toward, and that is wilderness therapy, because Chrissy worked for us many years ago, for many years, and she was one of our therapists, and she takes a lot of her lessons from wilderness therapy. The stories that she shares, the observations that she has, she borrows from her time both as a wilderness guide, a field staff and also a wilderness therapist, and later went on to found her own company parallel process and write the book parallel process. And, of course, it also inspired and it combines thinking and and teaching from the Buddhist philosophy, this sensibility. So those two things for me are are oftentimes very complimentary, and Chrissy makes the same comment. Now, the interesting thing about tonight's broadcast is I'm gonna present some things that I agree with with Cristian and some things that I don't agree with Chrissy. Long in fact, I thought about it when I was reading it this week, that it would actually be lovely to have some of our clients, some of those those of you who are familiar with what we teach and what I talked about this book, and see what you like and don't like about it. I think it's a great opportunity to see that everything you write, read in a book, isn't necessarily true. You don't have to necessarily agree with everything. I know my favorite book, drama to give the child, actually invites the readers to consider the possibility that everything that is being written there isn't necessarily true. So it, I think it asks parents to think and, I think, to challenge them about, about what they're reading and what they're thinking, what their patterns are.
There's this idea- how long on? That was that she talks about from the Buddhist perspective, and Halima, and they say: you can carpet the whole world or you can wear slippers, and she shared this quote from Buddhist teachings. She says: and the way of the mothership. I could pronounce it, but but a chatot Abba book, but a shots of Bodhisattva. That's it, but a shot. Ma, in the way of the Bodhisattva, he century Buddhist sage Shawnee Deva tells us that we can either lay down leather wherever we step so we don't cut our feet or we can make moccasins to protect us from our path, and this has becomes the metaphor for the entire book: this idea of helping children make moccasins. And what she does talk about is how parents oftentimes try to lay down leather. What I don't like about some of the analogies and some of the stories, as I feel at times like it's patronizing towards parents. I feel like at times she's talking down parents and the examples that she gives are very cookie cutter and I think for a lot of parents that's gonna be off-putting. But she does talk about some concepts and principles that are helpful and this idea that learning to take a step back, watch our children struggle, value the struggle, learn to value and sit with the pain or the discomfort- is it extraordinarily valuable process for our children where they learn many lessons. What she doesn't talk about- what which is part of what I talk about often- is this idea that what that requires of us, where, what is the wound in us that prevents us from being able to sin the feelings- our own feelings, our child's feelings- and to value the struggle that it comes from some, some deeper places that are our own wounds, that we carry forward and that I believe that we need to have a lot of compassion for in ourselves and experience a lot of compassion from others.
Speaking upon the idea of the things that she draws from Wohlers, she talks about how she was able to witness children that participating well as therapy, getting a huge amount of personal satisfaction from the accomplishment. I think in my early days as a wilderness therapist that's what I was tune into. A lot is the challenge of it, the discomfort, the fact that they could overcome obstacles on their own problem, saw that they could develop delay of gratification and frustration, tolerance, and I think all of those things are a part of it. And then later in my career I started to see the value of the resonance, the value of being seen, of being hurt, and then the work that we did with families. But absolutely there's a lot of personal satisfaction, sense of accomplishment. Like I've said many times, even with clients that resist the process, that talked about not liking it, being unpleasant, being angry and frustrated that they're with us, most of them walk away and even feel it. Some sense of personal satisfaction, an improved sense of self-efficacy that what I did, what I'm capable of doing, is a very powerful thing. She talks about locus of control she talks about in a little bit of a different way. She talks about- she actually mistakes- the idea of locus of control for internal motivation. Locus of control, he is the idea that if it's an external locus of control, then it's what happens to me determines my happiness, versus an internal locus of control, which is how I respond to it, determines my happiness and we know from the research that will - therapy does improve locus of control from external to internal, and people that are more successful in their careers and in their lives have a greater focus of internal of control. They don't attribute it to luck. If they do poorly on a test, they study harder. If they have a bad bat in baseball, then they practice and watch more films on and on. Hshe says late gratification. These are her fundamental principles. Delayed gratification, problem solving, adaptability, emotional regulation, distress tolerance, internal motivation and self-discipline are all things that are fostered by this challenge model.
You know we've been tempted over the years to compete with the programs that appeal to parents, want to provide something fun for the children. There are adventure therapy models that have popped up all over. There's programs in exotic locations that seem very attractive on the outset. But we will. We come back to over and over again is that they're not as effective. This primitive living, nomadic model that the challenge of everyday living out there is really the things that fauces, the things that Chrissy is talking about, and Chrissy, of course, worked in the primitive model, something she says that I think is very important. It happens during wilderness and the parents get encouraged to do while their child is and will nurses to buy you the struggle. I think most of us find it pretty easy to hide in the success but value the struggle, the difficulties, that the missteps, the detours in the process. It's hard to do and our children give us fantastic reasons to not value it. But part of this process for the entire family can. It can help people to see that all of those less than ideal, less than optimal decisions and choices and and left and right turns on the path can be an important part of learning. She talks about this idea that fear and anxiety are the fundamental forces that prevent us, as parents, from enjoying the present moment. Their, their valuable fear and anxiety can can at times be a mechanism that helps us to protect ourselves, to manage software, to motivate us, but then, when we live in those who are not able to stay present with our children. We're not able to stay in the moment and anxiety leads to control. She talks a lot about hovering and over-involved parenting. She doesn't go in depth into again where that comes from. That. It comes from the narcissistically wounded parent right that we're trying to get from our children what we didn't get from our parents, which is unconditional acceptance, right, admiration and love. But she does talk about the dynamic of it and how it affects the parent-child relationship and then and the behavior right, the patterns that we get into when we're over involved or one more hungry. She talks about this idea of a safe struggle, that it's within the home, even in within Willers therapy, that children are allowed to engage in a station trouble. I talked about it this way. I say that parents did that. As parents, we tried to learn to let our child fall off a stair, but not down a flight of stairs.
Right, do we have a safety net? She talks about the happiness trap. Instead of focusing, she says all of our attention and research on happiness. We need to learn how to be, just be with sadness, disappointment, worry, anger, embarrassment, struggle, failure and tell these feelings subside. She talks a lot about the Buddhist idea of impermanence, that everything is transitory but everything is temporary, and that feelings last somewhere, on average, between 3 and 30 minutes and there's going to be a new feeling. Some, of course, can stay longer, but there's gonna new, new feeling, a new thought coming after this, and it's this idea that if happiness becomes our goal, we're sure to be unhappy, and that it's unreasonable, she says, and I agree, to be happy in a situation that calls for grief and loss or sadness.
Mark Epstein, a Buddhist, a psychotherapist, writes: it is my experience that emotions, no matter how powerful, are not allowing, if given room, to breathe. This is encouraging and inviting of us and, of course, I think it's part of what leads Krissy to call her book brave parenting. It takes a lot of work and she emphasizes that in the book. It takes a lot of work to get to the point where we're capable of just being with our children, and she outlines all the things that we do to not be with them, all the fixing messages, all the look on the Brightside, all the you don't need to be feeling sad. I saw a funny mean the other day that I thought about today. It was an exchange between a mother and, and I think, a nine-year-old child, and the nine year old child was upset over something and after a while of crying, the mother too said: you know, this is not something we need to be crying about in. The nine-year-old responded and said: this is in no way a we situation and I thought it was funny and clever. And again she talks about this idea that when we're over identified, over involved, we have a hard time tolerating a child's distress, but countering politically- and we talk about this all the time- and it's hard to do counter intuitively if we allow the feeling to be- I'm gonna talk about paradox tonight- if we allow the feeling to be that it ends up resolving itself.
And here it is paradox. She talks about this idea. That is what I would call counterintuitive. She says, for example, if someone has a fear of heights, you can say to that person: it is completely okay to be afraid of heights, rather than tell them to just get over it, which actually feeds the stress. I remember I was sitting on an airplane one time with two parents and a son. I happen to be going with them to drop their son off at a school, in part because I wanted to visit the school and some of my clients were there, and so it was an opportunity for me to do that and the parents wanted a little bit of a safety net. So this was a rare Kane and very rare occasion where I traveled with the parents in the child and it was the mother, the son sitting in the middle seat and then me and then the father sitting across the aisle and at one point the young man- 17 yo young man- started expressing anxiety about the flight. He had some fear fly and the mother and father over me tried to assure him that the odds and the statistics of us crashing were less than the drive to the airport. And I made the joke and said: I think there's a 50/50 chance we're gonna go down. And you could see immediately I was being funny. I took it as an opportunity to be light-hearted. You could see him relax. Then, once the feeling was validated, he could resolve it on his own. This idea of helping children build their own moccasins and in order for them to access those internal resources, Chrissie suggests that we need to not build them for the poor. More accurately, that we need to not label leather or carpet for everything to be comfortable for them.
She talks about the importance of validation. Throughout the book there's a lot on reflective listening and, I feel, statements she said most kids won't change their behavior unless their parents accept normalizing, validate who they are and what they feel- again, not an intuitive thing. She talks about this and I think this is why there are those moments, especially when our children are acting out, when we feel that that validating the feeling beneath the inappropriate or unhealthy or maladaptive behavior, when we fear that validating will indulge them, it will somehow condone the behavior right, and so we look to try to do battle with the feeling, argue against it, reason against it and I thought is if we can talk the child out of the feeling, then the behavior will go away also. But it doesn't tend to work that way and I agree with her or conclusion there.
So the idea of building moccasins: these are the principles throughout the book that she says that by learning to sit with, be with, listen, to manage your own anxiety, we can help children build their own moccasins. And these are the, the characteristics that she said: cut that constituted moccasins, delayed gratification and ability to work towards something without an immediate reward. Number two, problem solving: an ability to move away from a given state toward a more desired goal. Number three: adaptability: an ability to cook with an unexpected disturbance. Number four: emotional regulation: an ability to shift into and out of different feeling states or behaviors. Distress tolerance, an ability to stay with discomfort. Internal motivation: an internal as opposed to external locus of control. Like I said, that's not exactly what locus of control means, but but I think she's talking about the idea of intrinsic motivation versus external motivation. That I'd be here. Number when is it? One, two, three, four, five, six, seven. An ability to motivate itself- this one, an ability to motivate oneself regardless of an emotional state. And lastly, acceptance of impermanence and awareness that nothing lasts forever. She does talk a lot about radical acceptance. She doesn't call it that a lot, but this idea that we learned to lean into what is stop spending time and what we hope should be- and I think that's a core idea and healthy, balance, grounded parenting in life in general, that if we can lean into that then we can be present with it, we can be a positive influence in the dynamic with our child.
So the idea of radical acceptance is spoken up throughout the book and in many ways, although she only refused refers, refers to it by name a couple of times. With the current breakdown and societal support she says, such as religious institutions, community programs and strong schools, kids aren't navigating independently outside of the home as they did in previous generations. This is not something I agree with. I'm not sure where she's concluded that that, but we've had a breakdown in some of these supports and that some of these institutions did what she said. In fact, I hear this all the time for parents.
This is my idea. I hear people romanticize previous generations how children were raised. I hear that all the time the parents were just tough on kids, that they they encouraged more grit, so forth and so on. But here's my question, here's my challenge: how can a previous generations be so much better at raising children, yet when these same children grew up to become parents, they are so compromised- right, that's what theirs, they say. We parents of today are so compromising our ability to parent in a healthy way, and yet previous generations provide the generations that raised us did such a wonderful job. I don't think we. I think overall, I don't think it's getting worse. I think there are challenges. I think any. Every generation is particularly critical of the here and now, but I think the work that you all are doing the work with, with the parents that I work with, and our culture in our society. I think they're improving on previous generations doesn't mean that perfect, but I think you all- I would bet most of you- not all of you perhaps- would agree with this, but many of you would agree that you're doing a better job in some critical areas than your parents did. And going back to your grandparents and their parents, I think it could be an easy case just to suggest or to make to say that we're improving. So I don't have as pessimistic of an attitude about today's generation of parents and today's generation of children and again, I think we're good at doing that.
She does talk about role modelling. I'll tell you what I agree with her idea about world mommy. I agree that role modelling is one of the most courageous, brave, important things that we can do right: doing our own work, modeling our own vulnerability, modeling our own accountability. I believe in that. Well, what I would challenge a little bit if she makes a little bit too clear of a cause-and-effect relationship between that and how a child responds. She says: role modeling: healthy emotional management, validating feelings, valuing site, safe struggle, refraining from rescuing, setting proper boundaries and limits, teaching, problem solving and accountability, giving natural and logical consequences and accepting impermanence in life is the key. And then, if we do all those things, that in other words, everything will turn out okay. And I believe that the belief that everything will turn out okay- it's actually a fundamental problem: to believe that I do it right, my child will turn out well- turns the child into an object. Now you've all heard me talk about the fact that we dent our children. We, we leave dents in our children, we affect our children, that there's wisdom and understanding, our impact on children, our contribution to children. But I prefer to stop short of saying cause and effect, and she doesn't even have a chapter that has the phrase caused and affected. Because the minute that we simplify or reduce it down to cause and effect, we turn the child into an object, not a subject capable of their own decision, but an object. We measure our success by what they do, and that pressure, that psychology, is problematic. I want to be as courageously critical of myself and others, in a loving and compassionate way, of all that we do. I believe in that, I believe that's important, I believe that that's not shaming, I believe that could be something that, at our highest level, that we can be proud of ourselves for looking at our parent, parenting and being critical of it, and always learning and growing. I believe that's valuable and important. What I don't agree with is that it is a simple cause-and-effect relationship that if we do it well, our children will turn out well. The outcome of healthy parenting is not well-behaved children. Rather it is life satisfaction, clarity, serenity, confidence, groundedness- all those things and those characteristics can add a wonderful contribution to children.
Her definition of great parenting. We need to give our children the freedom of having their own life, not one managed by us. We need to be brave and Trust in life will hand them the lessons they need. Like I said in Boonton, Buddhism, there's. There's this idea of radical acceptance and other faiths- Christian face to his face, Islam- it could be called faith right. It's this idea that we trust and in this case, life, and in terms of other religions or philosophies, it might be a higher power and there is something about that that is courageous, scary and endless brain.
One's parents mourn the loss of the life they wish for their child. They can accept and meet their child where he or she is today. This idea of radical acceptance. In fact, that's very close to a quote from Joseph Canada- I'm not sure to pronounce this name. Pema Chodron writes in: when things fall apart, the giving up hope is the beginning of the beginning. Without giving up hope that there somewhere better to be but there's someone better to be, we will never relax with where we are or who we are. It is counter-intuitive. She talks a lot, she tries to explain a lot. Make, she does a fair job. This, that giving up and letting go is not not caring, that is not surrendering, but it's rather trusting and, in some ways, having more confidence in going forward. And so, for those of you that are new, I think this idea is really, really important, this idea that I share, that you're not off, trapped, this is not a detour, that if you lean into this and then take the, the lessons that this part of your journey has to offer, that someday you'll be grateful for this deed to it, you'll see it as an integral and essential part of your life's journey, of your trail, as Crissy calls it. So, like I said, she talks a lot about listening and has a skill that relates to this idea of being with your children, being present with their struggle, their suffering, not removing their boulders, not smoothing out their path.
This is the kind of a skill where the what they would say in science, this is the operationalization of being with somebody. She gives us step by step process. Focus on the emotion rather than the content. Right, we get so lost in the content, but focus on what the child is feeling. Kind of tune out the details of the explanation of what they're feeling. Reflect their feelings back, check it out with them. Paraphrase back, become and stay curious. Right, that's one of the. The characteristics of providing a healthy container for somebody is rain, remaining curious when your child responds, validating his or her feelings, right, even empathize with them. If you can let your child be in charge of problem solving and don't fix it. She says: don't fix it unless you're and if only offer advice if your child asks, and I say: be reluctant to offer advice. In my blog and podcast on the 8 tools for transforming relationships, I talked about an alternative: offering advice where you share with loved ones phrases like: I have a thought or an idea that may or may not work, or here's what's worked for me. So I think that there is a softer, less controlling, less anxious way to offer what she calls it by soap. I just like that idea a little bit more.
About modeling: we can't make our kids be emotionally mature and self-aware, but we can demonstrate such qualities. I like that phrase that shows the difference between cause and effect and the idea that that's all you can do is the right thing. Right. Virtue is only worn. Healthy parenting is its own reward, but we can't force, we can't coerce, we can't control. And then, when we let go of the idea that we can do those things, we can be more authentic. Right, we can be in relationship with another person. She gives some examples of my behavior change cause and effect.
She talks about natural and logical consequences, which I won't go into. She she extolled the virtues of both. I like the idea that she talks about the values of struggles in the home. She does do something that I would challenge. She gives examples of several, I feel, statements where it seems that the goal, the intention, is to help the child realize how they're affecting other people. No, but those you've heard me talk. I have a problem with that. I can think of very simply- and I imagine if you try you can- two of examples where I upset somebody by my behavior, worry them, make them anxious, and they love and they care, mommy, and it's not appropriate for me to change because of them. Right, I'm not going to join the religion that my parents want me to. I'm not going to have the career that my parents want me to, necessarily, even if, in both cases, they worry about me and would be happy and proud of me if I did. And on and on and on not gonna marry the person that they want me to. I'm not going to make some of the parenting decisions that they might want me to. This idea that how we quote of what make somebody feel is a good reflection of our behavior is something that I just know not to be true. It's not a reliable source of morality. Right, I can be to others, I can, at times, respond to others and how they feel, if it doesn't take away a core piece of myself. But she says the thing that I that I fundamentally challenging in this part of the book where she talks about shame being this negative view on how, on who one he is in guilt. He's an indication of when we do something right or wrong. That's just not true. It's just not consistently. Guilt is something that we were taught- that when we upset somebody or hurt somebody prints- they are parents or adults- that we were doing something wrong. And many, most people that are in recovery for codependency, most people that are doing their work, have to learn to tolerate guilt in order to do the right thing. So there's, there's some fundamental pieces in there that I absolutely would would challenge and feel very differently about and think that very common-sense reasoning bears it out.
I love the piece on compassion that she shares. Tibetan Buddhist teacher Pema Chodron definition of compassion is a telling one. Compassion, she says, is what a mother with no arms feels when her child falls in the river. Chrissie goes on to say: I've spent some time with this one. At first I tossed it out of my consciousness because it seemed too hard to relate to, but it found a way back into my thoughts and my work with parents. Parents come to me with many painful scenarios: a child who has given up on school. I won't get on bedroom eyes incessantly or spend hours engaged in anxiety. We're tools or computer predictions- and the parents have generally spent hours fixing, nudging or controlling their child. Most parents have done everything they could to no avail. We're more comfortable with action than with feeling. I love that. Or more comfortable with action than with urine. A mother with no arms, a feeling of helplessness. We often feel helpless when it comes to our children's pain. Yet there's value in staying right there with your child and feeling the reservoir of compassion that we all have for our children. Just like the mother by the river, this mother can't fix her child's problem, but she can feel, and that is compassion. I just love the metaphor, I love the idea, I love how it speaks compassionately toward how difficult it is to be a parent and dissent without children and to watch them struggle.
So here my my takeaways. I think there's valued, especially for those who of you who have children and will this therapy, to see the lessons that that are learned in primitive, nomadic model: the lessons of problem-solving, the lessons of dealing with something difficulty like a rainstorm or Sun or wind. I think there's nice lessons that come from the Buddhist philosophy. Very valuable theme throughout the book of allowing for feelings, both feelings of our children on their own. I like that there's a focus on parental work. I would challenge the idea that sometimes she gives several stories where there are simple examples of a parent. What about doing the right thing and the child responding. And again, I think when we get into that way of thinking we're lost. When we get into say, if I follow these four steps, everything will turn out exactly how I want, we can't help but leak or exude control. We can't help but leak or xud a lack of healthy differentiation, imbalance, separation, individuation between us and our child. I think sometimes there's a behavioral focus in the book, meaning that she talks about kind of what's happening and what will work and what won't, but not what's underneath it, misunderstanding one point: and what narcissism is? She actually quotes Robert Bly from an article that I've been using for years, called the long bag that we've got behind us, from a book meeting the shadow. Narcissism doesn't come from permissive parenting. That permissive parenting is a symptom of the problem. Narcissism doesn't come when children have few or no limits. Narcissism comes when a parent can't see a child, because a parent themselves is fundamentally compromised because of their own words and so they're over identification with their child. Their projection of their child, projection of themselves onto their child is, is evidence of an unhealed wound. And when one can be oneself, when one develops herself, one could support the nurturing of a self. So I think there's some missing elements to the idea of attachment, attachment theory, what it means to be a self with another and how that contributes to resiliency and the development of a self, because fundamentally, what I believe is that's the.
The goal of parenting is to support, to encourage, not to guarantee the outcome, but to support and encourage the healthy development of a self, and to do that we have work to do and all of us are failing at it. All of us are struggling with it and all we can do in essence, like they say in the 12-step program, all we can do is be in recovery, to be working on nobody's perfect data. All right, I'll take any questions that I go through upcoming events. We would like all parents to attend six 12-step support groups. This can absolutely help you with a lot of these principles. You can also go to Nami now.
Or if you want more resources, classes, affordable services in your area, Nami- or if you want to listen to these broadcasts- these of Oh clarity program broadcast- you can listen to them on your iOS device, your Apple device, through the podcast app. Just search Evo therapy programs and subscribe there. If you have an Android device, either download the SoundCloud app on your Android device device and search evoked therapy programs and subscribe there. Or go to your computer and go to SoundCloud calm, search ebook favorite programs and subscribe there. On Twitter and Instagram you can follow us at evoke therapy Facebook. Search evoke therapy programs if you want to be part of an organization that helps people that can't afford treatment. You want to get back. Go to the Evoque Family Foundation on Facebook. Go to our blog, therapy blog for for up-to-date and current and relevant content. My book, the journey of the row of parent, is available on Amazon. You'll have to go right now to the alternative buying options and tell the warehouse: gets it back in stock. You can also buy it on Kindle or an audio version. The next workshop: if you can, we want all current parents, if possible, to attend a workshop.
This is a psycho-educational, multi-family experiential, meaning you're gonna be doing some of the things that your kids do. Some of the staff will be there. The next one is April 21st and 22nd at our entrada location. Ask your evoke therapist if it's the appropriate, if it's an appropriate time to meet with your child. You can combine the visit if you want. Contact Gale in the book therapy comm for more information or to RSVP. If you want to do deeper work, are finding new workshops.
The next one is May 2nd through 5th. We've extended the time, had it another day. The next funny new workshop will be made second through fifth. You can see the rest of them there. They're on the schedule: June 6th, August 15th, October 17th and November 7th. If you are professional in the field will. There's therapy, residential treatment, educational, consulting and you want to attend a professional workshop for yourself how to summon lot. The next man's one is June 10 through 12. The next woman's one in eight, 20th to 22nd. Also private family intensive. You can schedule those. Go to our website or email intensives at evoke, ther khue kham, our next parent support groups in New York City Monday April 23rd, in Seattle on June 2nd and then coming soon in Denver and in the Bay Area: hemacue, the email and Andrian evoke there, but not compromised. These people work for more information. If you want to do a family fun therapy trip, our pursuit strips are available or young adults can do it for kind of a sober trip or our therapy light to kind of reconnect live questions.
Our son has severe obsessive-compulsive disorder and has been a challenge for me to accept some of his behaviors- using too much toilet paper that blocks our grains or opening up every door in a room of the house where he is visiting. There's a part of me that wants to open up the dialogue of what is going on today and how do these rituals impact you, versus just letting it go and knowing that he's working on whether the therapist. How important is it for me to let him know that I know his struggle and let him know about my harmless compassion piece. I love the idea of you sharing your harmless compassion piece. I love the idea of just checking in and observing. Steer away from trying to fix it. Be aware that you're allowed to have boundaries. It depends upon how old he is. You can require, of course, more of him if he's pre, you know, pre 18. If he's over 18 and you have different kind of boundaries you can set. But remember, obsessive-compulsive is a solution to him, right, in some ways it's his solution to the problem and so he does need to do deep work and for you to compassionately express your love and the pain that you feel, that the, the compassion you feel for his suffering, can be very, very nurturing, very connecting, just as long as it doesn't lead into problem solving and overstepping your balance. And again, if he's pre 18, you can have boundaries about treatment, about what you require. You're allowed to do that. If he's over 18, you can have different kinds of boundaries based on the kind of level of support that you're giving them. So thank you for that. I want to conclude.
The next, the next we have. We have a title for the next one, the next one and here, do you remember what the next one is? The next broadcast this Wednesday, April 4th, at 7:00 pm, mountain time. Well, while I'm saying this, maybe you can look it up on your email- I just want to say thank you. Thank you for joining us. Although this isn't a book that I would fully endorse or recommend, I think it does provide some discussion, some, some thinking. It also reminds me that I'm everything that I say or write or anyone says, our rights- is true, that you get to run it through your filter, that you get to question it, and that the goal that I have for you is that you become your own expert by developing that kind of discipline, thought and the new sensibility and exploring your own self in the process. The next webinar will be this one's, in April 4th at 7 pm, mountain time, and it is called how to motivate your child.
So I'll be talking about motivation. I have another comment, another question. My daughter has been lashing out and often states that when I'm married my current husband that I stole our childhood. She has never felt a connection to him, with him or his children, and he and I, it's looks, often fight about her care. I've not been able to get them to engage in therapy. Do you have suggestions on how to draw on it into the process? My favorite way of getting somebody into therapy is to ask them to come to support you, instead of saying you need to go and this is how it's going to benefit. You come to support me and if your therapist is like me, they're gonna walk through the door of the person who's asking to come to therapy, which would be you in this case. So, and they will do their best to try to align, support and understand your husband. So that's my experience, right, and and if a spouse, a loved one, asks me to come to support them and I take them at face value and I walk in, then it could be absolutely an experience where we grow together and I learned how to respond and again it makes. It takes an adequate therapist to be able to do that, but that's my recommendation. I asked him to come to support you not because he needs it but because you need it. When will this one posted the view? Again? Somebody asks it gets posted. I think it gets posted later tonight. And right, you can tell me it gets posted tomorrow about 10:00 am mountain time on the podcast app. So all of these about the next mid-morning is when I post them, when I finish all the editing and put them on the podcast app and- and Andrea tells me, my moderator tells me that tomorrow morning sometimes it gets posted for reviewing so you can watch it there. Somebody asks: is there any chance of scheduling a Cascades parent workshop in May?
What we have here? Yes, they're going to be scheduling one in May. I don't have the date yet, but there will be a workshop in May. I'm nearly 100% confident with that. I just haven't gotten the dates yet. I appreciate you continuing. One parent says to note the differences between guilt and shame. I cannot count the number of times I said I feel guilty when I'm doing something I feel to be the best thing for me and what I feel comfortable. I need this reminder all the time. I am so glad it is. When I read that this week in Chris's book, I thought I don't know how many times I hear therapists say that guilt is your content and it. I've been doing this for 23 years ago. I'm just amazed that that idea in our culture, in our society, is perpetuated, even by professionals. It only means to me that they haven't done enough of their own work. Because if you do enough of your own work, like you, you come to realize that that's sometimes when you're doing your, your most courageous work, you're feeling guilty. Here's the funny thing about the book. Chrissy says in her book brave parenting that the courageous and the brain things that you do sometimes are the things that your children get upset about and you tend to feel guilty. But she's actually countering her own point in her book many times. But but because somebody taught us that guilt is conscious, we just can't get it out of our, out of our pop culture, vernacular it's. It's just maddening to me and I'm glad it helps you if it's something I'm grateful to teach often because I need to be reminded of it all the time. So thank you. Thank you for and on behalf of your children.
Thank you for showing up, thank you for your courageous work when and I how to motivate your child? Just thank you for being willing to do your work and having the courage to explore yourself in this and stand up during what so many parents are tempted to do, which is give me the steps to fix my children, or even work. Just fix my child and when you're done with him or her, send him back to me. So I just want to honor that and I want to honor in you and in myself all the wounds that we have, that compromises that lead us to making those kinds of decisions that aren't our highest self in our vessel. And it's only in the context of that kind of compassion towards ourselves, towards you and towards me, that I think we can all heal and move forward. So thanks, folks. I'll talk to you Wednesday night. Take care, bye, bye.